How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U-nique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way. U-nique up on it.
That joke above is is in my top 5 of all-time and it's been in my repertoire since middle school, when we got internet access at my house and I discovered that there were dozens of web sites dedicated to jokes.
There was one website in particular that had a collection of maybe 100 jokes that I damn near memorized. I printed it out and carried the papers with me wherever I went. I'm sure a few of those sites—hosted on Geocities and other internet 1.0 platforms—are still out there somewhere but they've been out-SEO'd by sites like "JokesRFunny4U.com" and very impersonal, ad-laden properties. (John's Jokes sort of fits the bill, but it looks like it was founded in 2007.)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
There's an exciting genre of jokes called elephant jokes. They've been around since at least the 1960s, but old school internet pages really created a resurgence in elephant joke awareness (maybe) or, in my case, became a wonderful introduction.
Elephant jokes are told in sequences (like the cow/sheep joke above) that build and play off of each other, full of absurd puns and parodies. They really work when told out loud and, no joke, I can't get through telling like 4 of them in a row without cracking myself up to the point of hysterics. It was like this when I was a kid. It’s still true. If you want me to tell you some elephant jokes, give me a ring but I probably won't last more than 20 seconds.
This website, hosted by St. Cronan's School in Ireland is exactly the kind of website I would have come across in the late 90s, and then printed off and memorized. These elephant jokes look like they were published no later than 1999 and the website remains absolutely perfect. Like the old school Space Jam website, except better. Shoutout to St. Cronan's School.
Anyways, to get a taste of the joys of elephant jokes, I recommend you read through them quickly. Don't pause to consider what you just read. Don't think. Go fast, and they'll start to make a ton of sense.
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies, "Really? You have a drink named Larry?"
That joke is possibly my favorite of all-time and is another one I learned at a very young age from a joke site on the internet. Conceptually, I figured out that a "grasshopper" was an adult drink that I probably couldn't order at a restaurant, but it's the punchline that drew me in like a moth to a flame. A punchline like that—seemingly coming out of nowhere… Larry! The grasshopper’s name is Larry!—just had to have a ton of comedic value, even if I didn't fully understand it.
Now, as an adult, I'm happy to confirm that yes, it is in fact an all-timer.
Part of what made these OG internet joke sites so great is that they exist on a completely different (and very wholesome) part of the internet than we’re all used to now.
Example: you probably can't find it through links on the website itself, but if you do some Googling, you might find this page hosted on the official website of the city of Boulder, CO. It's a "Corny Joke Page" by somebody named Coyote Bob! "Coyote Bob loves dumb nature jokes," it says. I promise you there is not a municipality that would give the thumbs up to hosting something like this in the year 2021. But Coyote Bob was probably pretty fuckin' hilarious and so, sometime in the early 2000s, Boulder's webmaster had no qualms about giving Coyote Bob his little own corner of the internet. We're all better for it.
(OK, I just learned that Coyote Bob is a coyote-based mascot and not a real person, but the point still stands.)
I just flew in from Berlin, and boy are my arms tired.
The "I just flew in from..." joke is as old as time, or at least as old as airplanes. My introduction to and fascination with it didn't come from an old-timey comedian or an elder trying to make a kid laugh. It came from a Beck's beer commercial from the 1990s. I have a vivid memory of watching a Phoenix Suns game at my friend Connor's house, and this ad (which I was already obsessed with) coming on, inspiring me to go nuts in rehashing it, over-and-over.
The great thing about the Beck's ad is that they managed to make the joke and delivery funny, but tagline is good too! "Germans don't do comedy. They do beer." The German standup comedian is perfect. The ad looks like it cost about $20 to shoot and it's remained etched into my conscious for over 20 years. What ROI!
I've told this joke—in a German accent—so many times over the years, but only recently decided to look up to see if the spot was archived somewhere online. And hell yeah, it is. The 1999 ad, entitled "Comedy" (perfect name), can be viewed here. Sometimes, the internet is good.
Thanks for reading and hope to talk to you soon!
Greg
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